When I started questioning religion

I remember when I started to change my thinking about God. I had a discussion with a guy at work several years ago. I don't know if he is a true Atheist. I think he believes in a higher power, but doesn't believe in heaven or hell or any sort of afterlife. He believes that when your time is up... you're dust, nothing more. After that discussion I started to really think about all the religious ideas that were shoved down my throat as a kid and stuff just didn't make sense to me anymore. The bible and stories about creation just didn't make sense.

For a few years after that I tried
to convince myself that I
believed in a higher power.

Next I decided that I believed
God was in nature.

Then I just stopped believing.

The only "higher power" I believe in is us—and how we create our own energy and if that's good energy we soar, and if it's bad energy we sink. The method for achieving it is personal to each of us. If church is the conduit for the majority, that's fine. If it's the Wiccan faith, that's fine too. It's all about what works for you and makes you feel whole.

I'm not against religion... well, except Catholicism. Religion was a huge part of my life for so many years, and to change my thinking makes me feel like a huge piece of me disappeared. I'm still trying to come to terms with that. It's like when you find out there's no Santa Claus. Once you know, it's ruined. There's no going back.

Christmas music

I love Christmas music! I always have. It's so fun and cheerful! As a kid, the sound of Christmas music was a reminder of the great things to come--presents!

As an older kid, my absolute favorite music to listen to was Mario Lanza's Christmas. Most of it is religious. My step-dad was a fan of his, and that's what he'd play while we decorated the house and set up the tree. Christmas was his favorite time of year and he was usually in a great mood. To this day, when I hear Mario Lanza's Christmas music, I get a peaceful feeling. Christmas was great when we were kids.

Most of the Christmas music that I hear on the radio is religious, as I suppose it should be. Now that I stopped believing in religion, that puts me in an unusual position. What exactly should Atheists listen to? If I were a close-minded Atheist, I'd have to throw out all of my music because there are religious references on every holiday CD that I own. I'd have to throw away my Mario Lanza Christmas CD. I still really love the music, and I sing along with it even when it references religion.

I do not believe in God and I do not believe in Santa Claus. Does that mean I shouldn't believe in Christmas music?

The most hated people in America

I finally mentioned to my mother that I don't believe in God or the bible. She said, "How can you not believe in God?" In that split second, I had the choice to engage in a discussion... or let it go. I told her I didn't want to get into it right now. I'm a wimp.


I read an article from www.exchristian.net stating that based on a survey conducted by the University of Minnesota, Atheists are the most hated people in America.

That's kinda scary for me to think that people won't like me because I don't believe in deities. I am not a bad person. In fact, I'm a pretty darn GOOD person. I think I lead a good life, I'm kind to others, and I work hard. How can someone hate me?

I sometimes wonder why I'm so concerned with people knowing where I stand with religion. I really could just ignore religion all together and play whatever role I need to in a particular situation. I could attend a Christian mass and robotically recite the prayers. I could walk to the front of the church to receive Holy Communion. I could dip my fingertips into the Holy Water and bless myself on my way out. Nobody would know. The thing is, I don't think it's fair for me to "pretend" and go through the motions while there are all these people who are strong in their Christian faith and honest and passionate about it. I would feel like I am being disrespectful. So when I'm in a church, I don't recite the prayers, and I don't partake in the sharing of bread and wine. I am there to support the people I love, not the religion.

Thanksgiving and prayer

It is customary to say "grace" before meals, particularly if it's the Thanksgiving meal. Some families go around the table declaring one thing they are thankful for. Our family was never that sentimental. Someone would say the standard prayer we learned as good Catholics and then we would dig in! When I was young, it felt right to do that. As I got older, I really didn't want to say the prayer because while I still considered myself Christian, I really didn't feel like thanking God for the meal that *I* slaved over. It's not like God went to work to earn the money for the food. And he didn't go to the store to buy all the food. And he certainly didn't spend hours in the kitchen preparing the meal. But nonetheless, someone would recite the prayer. Whatever. Let's just get to the food, huh?

So today was the first Thanksgiving in which I know for a fact that I don't believe in God. However, of the eight people around my table, only my daughter and myself are non-believers. Beforehand, I practiced in my mind what I might say instead of "grace." I figured I would say something like, "Today we are thankful for good food, good health, and good friends." But I wimped out. I said "grace." Under the circumstances, it felt like it was the right thing to do.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The power of prayer

[wikipedia.com]
"Orthodox monks (and some nuns) separate themselves from the world in order to pray unceasingly for the world."

While I don't necessarily believe in prayer, I do believe in thinking positive thoughts, sending positive vibes, and crossing fingers for good luck. Even if those gestures don't actually DO anything, the recipients probably feel the support, and therefore they themselves might have a more positive outlook.

I also believe that if you know you are being prayed for, you might actually believe that the hand of God could intervene in your life, and therefore it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.

I saw a sign like this on my way to work every day, and each time I'd think to myself, "Like that'll really help."

Jesus is NOT 4 sale!

I saw this at an antiques mall and it just made me laugh. Jesus is indeed for sale, I'm sure, if the price is right! I've been to that mall several times, and Jesus is always there... unattainable. Next time I'm going to ask if he truly is NOT 4 sale!

Nobody to hate

It's very sad that a co-worker and friend lost his battle with cancer. He was only 39, and had two little boys. If I believed in God, I could yell at him and ask him WHY did you not listen to all the prayers from the many people who loved Jim? All I have is the logical, Atheist side of me which can only say, "Jim was unlucky."

To the Theists I ask, "How can you believe in a god that would allow a healthy, good person to die while allowing murderers, pedofiles, and abusers to remain on earth? That is just fucked up!

I know that people are comforted by their religion in times of crisis, so in a way, I'm glad they have that to give them strength.

I'm so sorry Jim didn't have more time

Sense of belonging

Inside the sanctuary of Holy Saviour Church
(Photo from www.holysaviour.com)

As a young child, the church I attended catered more to the Italians in the community, and being half Italian, I felt like I fit in. Back then, the entire family went to church together, but the little kids sat in a section front and center. We behaved because we were probably afraid not to. Sundays felt special. After church we'd go back home where our pop-pop would make spaghetti and homemade meatballs. I remember helping to roll the meatballs, and our dad would let us make tiny ones that we could eat after they were fried. Pop-pop also made special pasta dishes and homemade ravioli. He was an amazing cook! That was a very brief blip in my life that felt really good. I wish my children could have experienced that just once.

I still have thoughts about that first church I attended. Holy Saviour Parish in Norristown was huge and very ornate. I looked up photos online and it really took me back. I remember all the statues. They were large, colorful, and told stories. Catholic masses were really, really boring. I remember staring at those statues and getting totally lost in them. I didn't know what the stories were behind them. I only knew they were pretty... and much more interesting that the mass itself. I don't think I've ever attended a church that beautiful and rich with artwork.

I think families who remain with their church throughout their lives are pretty lucky. We moved around quite a bit, and I was a member of several churches. I think I sorta lost something along the way. Of course, we were no longer attending mass as a family. It was our Sunday duty to go to church.

Religious groups congregate in some form. What about Atheists? Where do they belong?

I was "drugged" as a child (to church, that is)

I may not believe in God(s), but I really do think there is value in the majority having religious beliefs. Why? Because it keeps them honest. It forces people to listen to their conscience. Seriously! It's ingrained into our minds at a young age. If we don't want to listen to our parents, then we surely will listen to God! I mean, that dude has the power to send us to HELL! The worst we might get from our parents is a smack on the butt. And these days, parents can't even do that without the fear that they are abusing their child. Personally, I don't believe in corporal punishment. I tried it briefly with my first child and it felt very wrong to me. To each his own I guess.

So, the image above has found its way to Facebook. I disagree with most of it because I don't think you should have to rely on corporal punishment, humiliation, or bullying to get your child on the right path. I think the real issue is that "back in the day" the "norm" was for the mother to stay home with the children. They were more closely supervised. The moms were more likely to actually know the other moms. There was a network. Kids were more likely to be noticed doing something wrong, either by their own moms, or someone else's. Where are the moms today? They are at work. How much do they work? Certainly longer than the average work day. Do they know the other moms? Probably not. Who has time for that.

I don't think you can blame only the lack of discipline for the drug problems today. I think you can blame the fact that the world is moving and changing too fast to keep up. The expectations are much higher. The "wants" are insane! The competition is brutal. Parents can't keep up. If the parents could slow down and actually "parent" their kids, that would help.

A friend said something to me many years ago that has stuck with me. "Hands are for loving."

I went to church today

Yes, an atheist at church.

My son Kevin has started attending church with his girlfriend. He also attends weekly bible studies. I'm happy for him because its something he enjoys and he really seems to get something from it. He didn't want to go alone today, so he asked me to go with him. Now, he knows that I don't believe in God, so I think he was shocked that I said yes. I said yes for several reasons.

1. I love my son.
2. I always hated going to church alone as a kid. It sucked. Big time.
3. I wanted to use this as a bridge between us, since our religious differences are immense. I wanted him to understand that I support and encourage his religious choice.
4. I wanted to be sure that Kevin wasn't getting "sucked in" to religion to the extent that he gives all his money to them and starts trying to preach or convert people. (Evangelists are a turn-off in any religion!)

On our way into the church he asked me if I was nervous or excited. Nervous? Did he ask that because he knows I am an atheist? Because I haven't been to church in ages? Because I was stepping onto his turf? The truth is that I was not nervous or excited or anything really. I was curious and I did it because I love Kevin and don't want religion to ever become a rift between us. That is one reason I won't "come out" about being an atheist--the rifts it may cause. I refuse to allow my lack of religion to cause rifts. I would rather lie to people than to risk the relationships. That's one great thing about atheism--you don't "answer" to anyone. There is nobody to disappoint other than yourself. There is no God to frown upon you.

So let me tell you about the church and the service. I attended the Calvary Fellowship Church in Downingtown, Pa. The church is non-denominational. If I still believed in God and the bible, I would totally love being a member of this church. There was a live band--guitars, drums, piano, singer. It wasn't robotic and regimented like the Catholic masses I grew up with. It was upbeat and inviting. The service started out with the band playing/singing a religious song. Then everyone turned to those around them and greeted them. I liked this. These were people we were sharing an hour with, so why not say hi to them.

The sermon was good. I wondered if I'd be scoffing at what was being preached, since I don't believe in the bible. However, I found that if I took the "God" part out of it, the sermon could apply to anyone. There was one part that concerned me though, and I made sure I talked to Kevin about it afterwards. The preacher said that you should offer up your worries and fears to God in prayer and he would take care of you and offer you peace. If you take that literally... you'd have people pushing aside important responsibilities with the belief that somehow things would magically be taken care of for you. I remember talking to a "Jesus lover" who said to me, "Don't worry, God will provide." She said that to me after I told her I couldn't get information to her because I was at work. What I wanted to reply was, "Oh, will God send me a check to cover my mortgage payment if I lose my job?"

I am SO glad I didn't force Catholicism on my kids. They are making their own choices. I think that's how it should be.

In the beginning...

One of my earliest memories of my Catholic experience was attending mass when I was about six years old. Back then the girls had to wear little doilies on their heads, and we always wore nice dresses. When the collection basket came around, I dutifully put my envelope in. I can still picture that cute, miniature, manilla envelope. When I looked down, I found another kid's envelope on the floor so I picked it up and kept it. I think it had two quarters in it. Of course that was a sin, and my parents made sure I knew how bad that was and I had to put it in the collection basket the following week after a lecture on the evils of stealing. I couldn't tell you anything else about mass at that age. It was a blur.

The priest was Monsignor Cavallucci, and I can still remember the sound of his voice. Is that scary or what?
(Photo from www.holysaviour.com)

I am an atheist

I wasn't always an atheist. I came to the realization at age 43 that I am an atheist.

I never questioned my religious beliefs until I was in my late 30s. I didn't realize I stopped believing in deities until recently, and that coincided with my then 12 y/o daughter's admission that she was atheist.

As a child, I was raised Roman Catholic. I was baptized, received first penance, first holy communion, and was confirmed. I went to church every Sunday and still have every prayer memorized. I went to confession prior to Sunday so that I could receive holy communion at mass. I attended Catholic schools all the way through high school. I prayed--sometimes really, really hard.

I hated it. I hated being told I HAD to go to church every Sunday. We didn't even get a break from it on vacation. I was humiliated at the thought of going to confess my sins, which weren't really all that bad. I used to confess things like saying God's name in vain, when it was just an innocent expression of, "Oh my God!" Yeah, really... I was that afraid of God's wrath!

Religion wasn't a family "thing." My mother worked a lot, so she rarely went to church with us. My bio-father wasn't around, and I don't remember if he actually ever went to church with us, but he did send me and my two siblings to the church across the street every Sunday on which he had us for visitation. My step-father, I believe, actually did go to church, and I have more to say about that, but it'll have to be in a separate blog because there is some deep shit there.

Welcome to my blog.

This is the first church I remember attending as a kid. I actually think back fondly at this time because I was so young and to me, religion felt good.