The demise of the Catholic church

Source: My artwork from high school

I call myself "open-minded," but there is a part of me that smirks whenever I hear negative news about the Catholic church. I have no doubt that it's end is imminant. The biggest fail, of course, is the scandal involving the molestations by the priests. Even my mother-in-law, the most religiously faithful woman I know, has a bitter word or two for the church. There have been recent closings of schools and combining of churches. I think people just don't want to give money to the church to help fund the lawsuits.

I am open-minded, but only for the good in religion. I despise the Catholic church and all it stands for. I want to see it fail. I will be standing by laughing when it fails, screaming, "it's about time!" I was a prisoner of the Catholic beliefs for too many years. Sometimes I wonder if I would still have been an atheist if I belonged to a different Christian faith.

There is currently an investigation on improper actions by many local priests in my area. One of them I knew. He was the chaplain at my high school. He was also the priest who did the masses at the church I belonged to. I once made him a cake for his birthday. I liked him. I thought he was so nice and relatable. I want to know what he did that was improper. I really can't imagine it. I felt stomach-punched when I heard he was on the list. Even though I was definitely an atheist when this all came out, it hurt deeply. I trusted him!

There was another priest before him. Frankly, I was surprised he wasn't on the list. I loved him. He was a friend to all the kids at my high school. I freaked out a little bit inside when they announced he was leaving as chaplain of my high school. He hugged the kids. He kissed them. He kissed me on the lips, just a little peck. I was so vulnerable. Did he know that? Why did he kiss me? Did he kiss other girls? I felt so special and cared-for. My home life was a wreck, as I'd confided in him. He hugged me and made me feel so safe and loved. I still remember the smell of him. My mother wondered if he molested me. Not physically, but maybe a little bit mentally. Like I said... I loved him. Not in the male/female sense, just in the friend sense. I used to go to the lunch-time masses in the school chapel because of him. I miss him. He never hurt me. At least I don't believe he did.

Easter musings

I remember the first year I felt guilty for not going to church on Easter. It was five years after I'd been married, and I was pregnant with my first child. We walked into my mother's house for Easter dinner and the first thing my step father said was, "Did you go to church?" I said no, and blamed it on queasiness from the pregnancy. I was an adult and I shouldn't have been asked a question like that. It was my own personal business. He still had some sort of hold over me where I felt I couldn't disappoint him. No wonder I was a doormat most of my life!

I'm not sure if I've been to Easter mass since then. I'm not sure that I really care. My step father died before I had my first child. I know that the only reason I would have continued to go to church as an adult would have been to appease my step father.

Looking back, I wonder if the change in mindset was well underway. I know now that I resented being guilted and forced into going to church. I got nothing out of it at all. Once I had the freedom to choose, it's like I stopped going out of spite. I'm sure part of it was that my husband balked at religion in general. It made it easy for me to stop going. Maybe I should thank him for that.

My kids have never attended Easter mass. For them, Easter was all about baskets left by a magical bunny. It was also a day when their grandmother would come for dinner... and they love their grandmom!

Now that most of us don't celebrate Easter in the religious sense, and the kids no longer care about a surprise basket, Easter seems rather... deflated to me.

I'm pretty certain my sons will attend mass with my older son's girlfriend. I'm glad they have something special.

Sometimes as an Atheist I feel like I'm floating alone.