Hollow

This year is different. I feel different. I wonder if turning my back on my Catholic faith has caused me to lose something that was key to the holidays. For many of my adult years, the religious aspect wasn't front and center, but it was there, hovering in the background. What I mean is, in my own family that I am raising, we didn't celebrate the birth of Christ. It was all about Santa when the kids were little, and about gifts and food as they got older. I feel hollow this year. I don't know if it's other anxieties creeping in or if it really does have to do with the change in my religious beliefs.

I still love holiday songs about Jesus. The story of Jesus's birth still appeals to me, even if I don't quite believe it. I love looking at beautiful and creative nativity scenes. That may seem strange, but all these things were a huge part of my Catholic upbringing. I'm sure I didn't appreciate any of it back then, but still, it meant something. I don't really want to give that up, but as an Atheist, am I expected to?

Today I have Christmas trees, music, decorations, gifts, edible treats. It's really the same as it's always been in my adult life. I don't understand why the removal of that tiny religious part feels like I'm giving up so much.