On my deceased mother's birthday, I did not visit her grave. It was too far away, I wouldn't have remembered where she was located in the cemetery, her name wasn't inscribed yet, and I just don't feel like she is "there." I would have gotten no comfort from it. It would have been a waste of time and gas.
Then I start to think about what she would have expected from me. In the months before her death, did she envision what people would do and how they would feel after she died? Did she expect people (me) to cover her grave with flowers for every birthday and holiday? The truth is, I don't really care to do that. She's not there. I don't need to put flowers on a spot on the ground to honor her memory. I honor her memory inside, in private.
We'd like to believe that our surviving family and friends would honor us for years and years after our deaths. The fact is that for most people, you move on. You feel less of a need to place flowers on a grave, or light a candle in church on a holiday. Eventually you put away those photos that you had all over the house, and leave one really good one that will collect dust like all the others.
I think what bothers me about not visiting my mother's grave is what people will think of me. Maybe her boyfriend has been visiting the grave and wondering why there are no flowers. Maybe mom's friends do put flowers there. I should feel ashamed for not tending to her grave--it's my mother! Of course, I could hide behind the excuse, "It's too painful for me to go there." But the bottom line is, would they be disappointed in me?
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