Regrets

I wish I never told my mom I didn't believe in God. It seemed harmless at the time, but now that she is battling cancer, and possibly losing, I wonder if it bothers her that I don't believe in God. What if she thinks God is punishing me by taking her away? Silly thought, I know.

We talk about religion. I'm not against it, it's just not for me. She needs to talk about God and prayers. That is what she thinks is giving her strength. It's comforting to her to know that people are praying for her. I don't pray for her. I spend time with her and help her. Prayers are nice, but they don't feed her, dress her, or pay her bills.

My sister has a friend who is a hospice nurse. She told her how people at the end stage of their lives might see people. One patient in particular told her she saw a man but she didn't know who he was. The nurse told the sick woman to ask the man to come closer so she could see him, but she still didn't know who he was. The nurse then told the woman to describe the man. The woman said he had long white robes. The nurse told the woman that she could take the man's hand and walk with him if she wanted to.

Interesting.

My thought is that at the end of your life, when you are quite possibly delirious, you might see things or imagine them in your mind and they might look very real. I think it is planted in our minds what heaven and our end will be like. We're told of a white light, pearly gates, the forms of deceased loved ones, and maybe a man in flowing white robes--Jesus?

I'd like to think that my mom might have such visions. I would love for her to see her son, Brian. It would give her great peace at the end to know she is going with her son. Of course I don't believe that actually happens, but at the end, people need to not be afraid. I think the end is scarier for a non-believer. If the afterlife is all a farce, at least it is a way for people to die without worry.

See, I don't want to die. I won't be reunited with my brother. I'll be dust.

This is a tough one

My mother may have cancer. We're still waiting to talk to the oncologist and have more tests, but it's looking pretty grim. I know my mom is comforted by the people offering prayers for her. I really don't think prayers will save her, but hopefully they will empower her to fight though this. At times like this it's frustrating to not have a higher power to appeal to. My feeling is that whatever happens, happens... and there's not much you can do about it. Even though I don't believe in prayer, I'm more than happy to have people pray for my mom because then she will believe it's possible to get through this.

The minister's wife

It's interesting to me that some people are so presumptuous about religion. I had a yard sale at my house today. I met so many really nice people. Most will wish me good luck with the yard sale as they leave.

One very nice lady took her purchases, thanked me, then headed to her car. A few seconds later she was back and handing me a pamphlet. She told me that her husband is a minister for a small Baptist congregation. Then she asked what church we attended. I said, "We go to Calvary... right down the road." Okay, I'm not exactly a member, but I did attend mass with my son a few times, so I can't say I was outright lying to the woman. She proceeded to tell me that if we ever wanted to attend a smaller congregation, they are Christian, and we are more than welcome.

Obviously, we won't be visiting her church. I could have been mean and told he we don't believe in God. Instead, I took her offer in the way it was intended. She meant to share something that is good, maybe because she saw us as nice people. On the other hand, I think religion is a very personal thing. It's like... you wouldn't go up to a woman and offer Weight Watchers pamphlets assuming she wants or need to consider her weight. And you certainly wouldn't randomly go up to a man and invite him to a gay-only club!

I think it's a risk to be presumptuous about a person's beliefs or lifestyle. Most times I take the gesture as someone being nice, and I they must find something appealing about me to invite me to join in something that is so personal and meaningful to them.

I did read the literature she gave me and the most disturbing thing I read:

"The Bible is our sole authority for faith and practice."

(Thanks, but I'll pass!)

Anyway, I thanked the woman for her kindness and thoughtfulness. I feel bad that she wasted a perfectly good pamphlet on me though.

Knock-knock... Jesus calling

Source: My camera

You know when those God-lovers knock at your door carrying bibles and pamphlets and you don't want to be rude? So you might listen for a minute before you gently and apologetically tell them, "No thanks."

I said, "We aren't religious."

They left.

I can't believe it was that easy!

I want to be Indian

Source: some random website

In my next life I want to come back as Indian. I find their culture and traditions fascinating! I have an Indian friend at work, and she so very patiently answers my dozens of questions. She is very strong in her faith, and I love the passion she shows for it. She is happy and content and has a sense of spiritual direction.

Another friend is not Hindu, but honors the god, Ganesha, which is the god you pray to to remove obstacles. The figure is interesting. It is primarily an elephant, but with multiple limbs as well as other adornment. I can't speak much about it at this point because I don't know the full history behind it. I didn't quite get why she was so fond of this god, but I think I'm starting to. It fulfills a need for her and gives her comfort and a sense of control in her life.

The Catholic faith taught us not to honor false gods, and I imagine an elephant would fall into that category. When you think of it, people are way more dangerous than an elephant, aren't they? Some of the life events that the Hindu faith honors are events that Christians don't talk about. I'm going to share one that I learned if I can recall it correctly.

When an Indian girl becomes a woman, it is not something that is kept secret behind closed doors. I was surprised at how public it seemed. When I say public, I mean the women in the household, as well as close female relatives, are involved in this common life experience. Upon getting her first period, the teenage girl must wear the same clothes for several days, in which time she may not bathe. She may not do anything for herself, so the other women must give her food, drink, or other necessities. If there is no female, then a man may do this. The girl may not eat at the table, and she may not touch another person in any way. When her first period is done, she may take a bath that is scented, and women will help her. Then she may put on clean clothes and participate in life as usual. The clothes she was wearing must be thrown out. Gifts are given, typically gold jewelry, as a remembrance of the event.

In families that follow customs very strictly, women who are menstruating may not touch others, may not eat at the table, may not get their own food, may not read, or may not do basically anything. The thought is that she is unclean, weak, and I can't remember exactly why they can't read. I'll have to research that. Because they follow these specific rules, it is quite obvious to everyone when you are, "on the rag," so to speak. Even if there is a major celebration, a woman on her period must not participate in any prayers or rituals. They are excluded until ther period is over and they are clean. In the American culture, we try very hard to avoid anyone knowing we have our period.

I asked my friend at work how she manages to live on her own and still follow the customs. If she isn't supposed to get food for herself, how does she eat? If she can't touch people, what does she do if someone at work wants to shake her hand? If she's not supposed to do anything at all, what does she do about work? Her answer was that she adapts to the life she is living away from her family, but she follows the customs more strictly when she is with her family.

Source: glamcheck.com

I have worked among Indian people for several years and never knew all this. I feel so fortunate that I met this girl who is so open with me and willing to share when she knows I am an atheist.

When I say I wish I were Indian, I definitely don't mean I want to follow the customs around menstuation. There are a few other things that I love about the culture, but it's more around the celebrations. If you've ever seen photos from an Indian wedding, you'll see women dressed in vibrant colors and sparkling fabrics. It's not only the bride who dresses colorful, it's everyone. Kids are not excluded as in some American weddings. The women also do henna designs on their hands, with the bride having a more elaborate design that will extend to both hands an up their arms. My friend at work did one on my hand and I really loved being able to experience and be open to this unique custom. I'm sure some people thought it looked strange, but I was excited to be able to share what I learned about the henna dyes and Indian wedding customs.

Sometime I wonder if its wrong of me to be so interested in the Hindu faith to the extent that I ask my work friends to share things. I hope they never shut me out because I'm atheist. Just asking them questions has built a bridge. I never used to talk too much to Indian people, but I found a way to connect. How can that be wrong, no matter what our beliefs?

The demise of the Catholic church

Source: My artwork from high school

I call myself "open-minded," but there is a part of me that smirks whenever I hear negative news about the Catholic church. I have no doubt that it's end is imminant. The biggest fail, of course, is the scandal involving the molestations by the priests. Even my mother-in-law, the most religiously faithful woman I know, has a bitter word or two for the church. There have been recent closings of schools and combining of churches. I think people just don't want to give money to the church to help fund the lawsuits.

I am open-minded, but only for the good in religion. I despise the Catholic church and all it stands for. I want to see it fail. I will be standing by laughing when it fails, screaming, "it's about time!" I was a prisoner of the Catholic beliefs for too many years. Sometimes I wonder if I would still have been an atheist if I belonged to a different Christian faith.

There is currently an investigation on improper actions by many local priests in my area. One of them I knew. He was the chaplain at my high school. He was also the priest who did the masses at the church I belonged to. I once made him a cake for his birthday. I liked him. I thought he was so nice and relatable. I want to know what he did that was improper. I really can't imagine it. I felt stomach-punched when I heard he was on the list. Even though I was definitely an atheist when this all came out, it hurt deeply. I trusted him!

There was another priest before him. Frankly, I was surprised he wasn't on the list. I loved him. He was a friend to all the kids at my high school. I freaked out a little bit inside when they announced he was leaving as chaplain of my high school. He hugged the kids. He kissed them. He kissed me on the lips, just a little peck. I was so vulnerable. Did he know that? Why did he kiss me? Did he kiss other girls? I felt so special and cared-for. My home life was a wreck, as I'd confided in him. He hugged me and made me feel so safe and loved. I still remember the smell of him. My mother wondered if he molested me. Not physically, but maybe a little bit mentally. Like I said... I loved him. Not in the male/female sense, just in the friend sense. I used to go to the lunch-time masses in the school chapel because of him. I miss him. He never hurt me. At least I don't believe he did.

Easter musings

I remember the first year I felt guilty for not going to church on Easter. It was five years after I'd been married, and I was pregnant with my first child. We walked into my mother's house for Easter dinner and the first thing my step father said was, "Did you go to church?" I said no, and blamed it on queasiness from the pregnancy. I was an adult and I shouldn't have been asked a question like that. It was my own personal business. He still had some sort of hold over me where I felt I couldn't disappoint him. No wonder I was a doormat most of my life!

I'm not sure if I've been to Easter mass since then. I'm not sure that I really care. My step father died before I had my first child. I know that the only reason I would have continued to go to church as an adult would have been to appease my step father.

Looking back, I wonder if the change in mindset was well underway. I know now that I resented being guilted and forced into going to church. I got nothing out of it at all. Once I had the freedom to choose, it's like I stopped going out of spite. I'm sure part of it was that my husband balked at religion in general. It made it easy for me to stop going. Maybe I should thank him for that.

My kids have never attended Easter mass. For them, Easter was all about baskets left by a magical bunny. It was also a day when their grandmother would come for dinner... and they love their grandmom!

Now that most of us don't celebrate Easter in the religious sense, and the kids no longer care about a surprise basket, Easter seems rather... deflated to me.

I'm pretty certain my sons will attend mass with my older son's girlfriend. I'm glad they have something special.

Sometimes as an Atheist I feel like I'm floating alone.