Knock-knock... Jesus calling

Source: My camera

You know when those God-lovers knock at your door carrying bibles and pamphlets and you don't want to be rude? So you might listen for a minute before you gently and apologetically tell them, "No thanks."

I said, "We aren't religious."

They left.

I can't believe it was that easy!

I want to be Indian

Source: some random website

In my next life I want to come back as Indian. I find their culture and traditions fascinating! I have an Indian friend at work, and she so very patiently answers my dozens of questions. She is very strong in her faith, and I love the passion she shows for it. She is happy and content and has a sense of spiritual direction.

Another friend is not Hindu, but honors the god, Ganesha, which is the god you pray to to remove obstacles. The figure is interesting. It is primarily an elephant, but with multiple limbs as well as other adornment. I can't speak much about it at this point because I don't know the full history behind it. I didn't quite get why she was so fond of this god, but I think I'm starting to. It fulfills a need for her and gives her comfort and a sense of control in her life.

The Catholic faith taught us not to honor false gods, and I imagine an elephant would fall into that category. When you think of it, people are way more dangerous than an elephant, aren't they? Some of the life events that the Hindu faith honors are events that Christians don't talk about. I'm going to share one that I learned if I can recall it correctly.

When an Indian girl becomes a woman, it is not something that is kept secret behind closed doors. I was surprised at how public it seemed. When I say public, I mean the women in the household, as well as close female relatives, are involved in this common life experience. Upon getting her first period, the teenage girl must wear the same clothes for several days, in which time she may not bathe. She may not do anything for herself, so the other women must give her food, drink, or other necessities. If there is no female, then a man may do this. The girl may not eat at the table, and she may not touch another person in any way. When her first period is done, she may take a bath that is scented, and women will help her. Then she may put on clean clothes and participate in life as usual. The clothes she was wearing must be thrown out. Gifts are given, typically gold jewelry, as a remembrance of the event.

In families that follow customs very strictly, women who are menstruating may not touch others, may not eat at the table, may not get their own food, may not read, or may not do basically anything. The thought is that she is unclean, weak, and I can't remember exactly why they can't read. I'll have to research that. Because they follow these specific rules, it is quite obvious to everyone when you are, "on the rag," so to speak. Even if there is a major celebration, a woman on her period must not participate in any prayers or rituals. They are excluded until ther period is over and they are clean. In the American culture, we try very hard to avoid anyone knowing we have our period.

I asked my friend at work how she manages to live on her own and still follow the customs. If she isn't supposed to get food for herself, how does she eat? If she can't touch people, what does she do if someone at work wants to shake her hand? If she's not supposed to do anything at all, what does she do about work? Her answer was that she adapts to the life she is living away from her family, but she follows the customs more strictly when she is with her family.

Source: glamcheck.com

I have worked among Indian people for several years and never knew all this. I feel so fortunate that I met this girl who is so open with me and willing to share when she knows I am an atheist.

When I say I wish I were Indian, I definitely don't mean I want to follow the customs around menstuation. There are a few other things that I love about the culture, but it's more around the celebrations. If you've ever seen photos from an Indian wedding, you'll see women dressed in vibrant colors and sparkling fabrics. It's not only the bride who dresses colorful, it's everyone. Kids are not excluded as in some American weddings. The women also do henna designs on their hands, with the bride having a more elaborate design that will extend to both hands an up their arms. My friend at work did one on my hand and I really loved being able to experience and be open to this unique custom. I'm sure some people thought it looked strange, but I was excited to be able to share what I learned about the henna dyes and Indian wedding customs.

Sometime I wonder if its wrong of me to be so interested in the Hindu faith to the extent that I ask my work friends to share things. I hope they never shut me out because I'm atheist. Just asking them questions has built a bridge. I never used to talk too much to Indian people, but I found a way to connect. How can that be wrong, no matter what our beliefs?

The demise of the Catholic church

Source: My artwork from high school

I call myself "open-minded," but there is a part of me that smirks whenever I hear negative news about the Catholic church. I have no doubt that it's end is imminant. The biggest fail, of course, is the scandal involving the molestations by the priests. Even my mother-in-law, the most religiously faithful woman I know, has a bitter word or two for the church. There have been recent closings of schools and combining of churches. I think people just don't want to give money to the church to help fund the lawsuits.

I am open-minded, but only for the good in religion. I despise the Catholic church and all it stands for. I want to see it fail. I will be standing by laughing when it fails, screaming, "it's about time!" I was a prisoner of the Catholic beliefs for too many years. Sometimes I wonder if I would still have been an atheist if I belonged to a different Christian faith.

There is currently an investigation on improper actions by many local priests in my area. One of them I knew. He was the chaplain at my high school. He was also the priest who did the masses at the church I belonged to. I once made him a cake for his birthday. I liked him. I thought he was so nice and relatable. I want to know what he did that was improper. I really can't imagine it. I felt stomach-punched when I heard he was on the list. Even though I was definitely an atheist when this all came out, it hurt deeply. I trusted him!

There was another priest before him. Frankly, I was surprised he wasn't on the list. I loved him. He was a friend to all the kids at my high school. I freaked out a little bit inside when they announced he was leaving as chaplain of my high school. He hugged the kids. He kissed them. He kissed me on the lips, just a little peck. I was so vulnerable. Did he know that? Why did he kiss me? Did he kiss other girls? I felt so special and cared-for. My home life was a wreck, as I'd confided in him. He hugged me and made me feel so safe and loved. I still remember the smell of him. My mother wondered if he molested me. Not physically, but maybe a little bit mentally. Like I said... I loved him. Not in the male/female sense, just in the friend sense. I used to go to the lunch-time masses in the school chapel because of him. I miss him. He never hurt me. At least I don't believe he did.

Easter musings

I remember the first year I felt guilty for not going to church on Easter. It was five years after I'd been married, and I was pregnant with my first child. We walked into my mother's house for Easter dinner and the first thing my step father said was, "Did you go to church?" I said no, and blamed it on queasiness from the pregnancy. I was an adult and I shouldn't have been asked a question like that. It was my own personal business. He still had some sort of hold over me where I felt I couldn't disappoint him. No wonder I was a doormat most of my life!

I'm not sure if I've been to Easter mass since then. I'm not sure that I really care. My step father died before I had my first child. I know that the only reason I would have continued to go to church as an adult would have been to appease my step father.

Looking back, I wonder if the change in mindset was well underway. I know now that I resented being guilted and forced into going to church. I got nothing out of it at all. Once I had the freedom to choose, it's like I stopped going out of spite. I'm sure part of it was that my husband balked at religion in general. It made it easy for me to stop going. Maybe I should thank him for that.

My kids have never attended Easter mass. For them, Easter was all about baskets left by a magical bunny. It was also a day when their grandmother would come for dinner... and they love their grandmom!

Now that most of us don't celebrate Easter in the religious sense, and the kids no longer care about a surprise basket, Easter seems rather... deflated to me.

I'm pretty certain my sons will attend mass with my older son's girlfriend. I'm glad they have something special.

Sometimes as an Atheist I feel like I'm floating alone.

The puppet master

Why do you believe in God?
Because I am a puppet.

Why DON'T you believe in God?
Because I cut the puppet master's strings.

If you were to ask people why they follow their faith, they might answer that it's what they believe. If you asked them why they believe, they might respond that it's what they were taught, or how they were raised. Sounds a bit like coercion to me.


Maybe the definition is a bit strong, but when you think of it, a child is very much like a helpless puppet. They do what they are told, without question. In fact, they don't even know what the questions are! You can tell children anything and they will believe it. Santa Claus, Easter bunny, tooth fairy... God, devil, heaven, hell. Children are trained and guided to as their elders direct them. Tell a child that there is a God and he won't know anything different--unless you tell him there is another point of view. Why WOULD you tell him anything other than what you want him to believe? If you did, you would risk that child choosing his own beliefs.

I think some people take the whole puppet master task a little too seriously. I grew up not learning anything about other religious beliefs. I attended Catholic schools for my entire school career. I don't remember if we were specifically taught that other religions were against God, but it was certainly implied. It didn't matter at the time because I was so sheltered in the Catholic beliefs. I believed what I was taught to believe--what my parents believed.

Now I am an adult, in the real world. The real world consists of people from all over the world who have such varying ideas of what God is. I respect that to a great extent, and I'm glad that I reached out to explore and ask questions. What makes Catholicism "the" one, true faith? Because we were taught that? Well, a Jew believes their's is the one, true faith. And a Buddhist believes their's is the one, true faith. I mean... who is right? The answer is all of them.

I was a puppet. I was a very good, obedient, Catholic puppet. I can't blame those who raised me because they themselves were puppets. Putting one-sided ideas into the mind of a child is a tragedy.

The express pass to heaven

One very vivid memory I had as a young Catholic child was being taught about what God thinks of suicide.

At a young, impressionable age they teach you that heaven is the perfect place. Everyone strives to earn the right to go there. But you have to wait until God calls you to heaven. There is no express pass. But is there? Yes, of course. Your express pass to heaven is death. And if your life is really crappy, wouldn't you prefer to be in heaven?

Children are told this glorified tale of what heaven is. And not surprisingly, it is customized to that particular child. This is what I thought heaven would be. It would be fluffy white clouds below my feet and a vivid blue sky above me. God would be floating around and he would be in a long, white, flowing outfit. He would have a long, white beard and friendly eyes. I don't see anything around me, like toys and candy, but those things are there if I want them. I'm promised that my deceased relatives are up there, but as a young child I really only feel safe around my immediate family, so I'm glad God is right there. I know I can look down on earth to see my family if I want, so I don't really feel too far from them--I just can't touch them or communicate to them.

A story I heard as a child was that of a boy who loved God so much that he didn't want to wait to see him. So he killed himself. And since we were taught that suicide was a sin, that boy couldn't go to heaven. Isn't that a really shitty thing to tell a child? But I'm sure it prevented kids from taking the easy way out when they got in trouble with their parents. If it wasn't considered a sin, don't you think every kid would at some point want to take the express train to heaven rather than get grounded or paddled? As an adult, I now look at this story and think how awful God is to deny access to heaven to a young boy who only wanted to be with him.

I think back to the many ways I was brainwashed as a Catholic child. I now think it was wrong, of course, but when you think of it, it was a really clever tool for adults to keep their kids in line.

Blessed

This is my high school class ring. It was blessed by a bishop that my step-father knew. I suspect that it was a bigger deal to my parents than it was for me. In fact, I gave my class ring to a boyfriend. When my mom found out she drove me right over to retrieve it. I wore this ring during the second half of my senior year, then it sat in a drawer for the next 27 years.

This is where I bring up issues with my step-father. I can't explain what it was about him and religion. It's like he felt he was better than everyone else because he was in tight with his church, and also had connections with higher levels, like the bishop. He frowned upon those who weren't as religious, and it didn't even matter if you were religious--he always acted like he was better and just "more" religious than everyone else.

So, what became of the ring? I sold it. My step-father, if he were alive, would be so angry to know that I sold the "blessed" ring. My mother wouldn't be too happy either. While I'm grateful that my mother did what she could to give us the "typical" high school experience, I really did not like my high school and don't care to have any memories of it. So the ring is gone. To be honest, I didn't exactly run around advertising proudly that it was blessed. Uncool.

Sorry mom. I really did appreciate it at the time, but it's time for me to close that chapter of my life and move on. Maybe the "blessed" gold will bring someone else good fortune.